Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Not Knowing

I'm not sure if this falls under having a God-complex or something, but I absolutely cannot handle not understanding something that I want to know. I'm not talking about quantum mechanics, although that'd be nice too, but I'm talking about life in general. I don't get it. Is there a purpose? Am I doing the right things? Why does pain and suffering exist...or why even love? There's so much complexity to it that I strongly believe there is a right way and a wrong way to live life. The Bible helped me a little bit, but I found too many inconsistencies to be able to really take it seriously.

What got me thinking about it were actually several things...some horrific images and my own imagination. I saw an elderly woman probably in her sixties or seventies (based on the amount of liver spots on her face and body), eating at a fast food restaurant. She was alone. She couldn't stand up straight and was hunched over like the Notre Dame hunchback. She had what seemed to be a permanent frown on her face, from what I imagined years of pain, suffering, and lonliness. She ordered her food and took it to a nearby table. She dragged both her feet when walking as it appeared she couldn't bend her knees. She looked like she was in constant pain...but not in a physical sense. No, she looked to be anguished about something. Perhaps her husband died. Maybe her grandson said something nasty to her. She looked lonely.

When she sat at the table, she was still hunched over. Her head was practically resting on the table. Seeing her trying to eat was one of the most depressing things I've seen in a long time. And I was pissed she was there by herself...nobody there to be with her to help her. Maybe she didn't want any help. Maybe she was tired of being cared after and this was her time alone to prove that she could function by herself. Whatever the reason, I felt incredibly terrible for that woman.

And my first reaction is anger towards God.

It's anger because I don't understand God's supposed plan for her, so my mind conquers up thoughts of torment and solitude. It doesn't seem fair to me. There's too much suffering in this world...not enough love and happiness.

Sure do wish God would talk to me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I admire your compassionate nature. If only ALL the world had it. I used to have the exact same outlook on things like this as you. Whenever something seems unfair and there is no logical explanation, I often feel frustrated and angry. But over time, I have learned that even though bad things happen to good people (for no apparent reason) there IS actually a learning experience from it. And while it may not be understood by the person experiencing it, or to those observing, it will reveal itself in time. And when it does, the epiphany brings an overwhelming calm and contentment. When that piece of life's puzzle is added, and the bigger picture becomes more clear, we no longer harbor resentment about a bad experience (be it loneliness, sickness, etc.) We realize why it had to happen the way it did in order for us to be where we now stand.


2:45:00 PM  
Blogger Xin said...

You're right, and I've gotten better in accepting those things and trying to learn from them. Sometimes it is so hard, and I let my emotions get the better of me...but what you said is the "correct" approach, I believe. Thanks for shedding some light on that!

4:04:00 PM  

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