Gasping Wide Awake

I don't feel so good. I feel like I'm being destroyed. Why is doing the right thing so hard on the emotions? I found myself staring out into the cloudless sky this afternoon hoping...praying...for something catastrophic to forever change reality. I don't wish death. I'm merely looking for a distraction, because I can't come up with one large enough by myself. Without one, I fear I'm slowly unmaking myself.